All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you
I've never had a selfless thought since I was born
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through
I want God, you, all friends merely to serve my turn
Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin
I talk of love, a scholar's parrot may talk greek
but, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin
Only that now you have taught me, but how late my lack,
I see the chasm and everything you are was making my heart into a bridge,
by which I might get back from exile and grow man...
and now the bridge is breaking
For this I bless you as the ruin falls
the pains you give me are more precious than all other gains.
by C.S. Lewis
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Just 97 days. 97 days, that's it. I will be out of the US Navy in 97 days. I had meant to post a big celebratory post at 100 days, but it came and went so quick. So now turns my attention to this "leaving." In all honesty, it's a little bit foreboding. Leaving Augusta will be difficult, as i've come to discover over the past several months. The relationships that I have built here are not ones that I can easily leave behind. Young Life has been such a tremendous piece of me, and seeing the guys I've gotten to know grow and mature has been a real blessing. Leaving them behind will be so hard. But, I'm learning the importance of entrusting ourselves to God, and that doing so is one of the most crucial steps that we can take. I want to believe, and I do, that the kids at Evans High School will be nurtured, will be pursued relentlessly, will be valued as much as they should be. I want to believe that God will continue in the amazing things that he is doing in Augusta through YL. I want to believe that it's okay, that leaving is part of life, that love will continue on in God's perfect plan. I think that I do believe these things about God. I think that I am prepared to entrust everything and everyone I'm leaving behind to him. I guess time will tell, but it still hurts. I love these kids, and to leave them feels so unnatural. I don't know what God is doing in their and in my life, but I want to trust that it's so much bigger and more perfect than what I can do in their or my lives. I'm praying with all my heart that all of my guys will come on this Frontier Ranch trip to Colorado. One last sha-bang. God has shown me so much about himself and how he loves me through my interaction with these high school guys. He is a real and loving God, and the way my heart breaks over the sh*t that these kids find themselves in gives me reference to understand how His heart breaks over me and my sh*t. To know a God that is so hands on, so present, so willing to love in spite of my filth is so beautiful. Seeing and feeling it only makes me want to chase Him with reckless abandon. I owe so much of that understanding to my time with these HS guys, and leaving that hurts to think about. Leaving them hurts to think about.