I'm on a plane over looking the rocky mountains. It'll be a long day of travel, returning from St. Louis for thanksgiving. It's hard to know if I should say that I'm leaving home, or that I'm heading home. My understanding of home is blurred nowadays. But flying this high over the world puts some things into perspective, as it always seems to do. We say that home is where friends are. But all of my friends are spread out across the country, anyway. They say that home is where family is. But I've come to understand this weekend with my sister being married and my brother shooting up and turning into an adult, that my family's lives change and progress just as quickly as my life does. So home is where I grew up. My dad took me on a tour of two of the seven houses that I lived in as I was growing up, and they've all changed as well. So I can only conclude that home is not a place. Home is not a house or a person or anything that one can see. Home, in its essence is far more allusive than that. Far too allusive, even, for me to understand. I suppose it's comfort, that home is the place in the world where I feel the most comfortable. And, St. Louis, MO is where I feel most comfortable.
But it was a sweet time to spend with everyone. I'm really looking forward to Christmas, when I'll be able to see more people and spend more time with them. For now it's back to the grind, one more week of trying to stay awake in class. The end is in sight, though; only eight more nonstop months. God's going to have to prove faithful one more time with this one. Praise the Lord He is.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
So, my good friend Roger Lapham was married today. Its been quite a journey these past couple of days, what with all of the rehearsals and bachelor parties. And some serious light has been shed on my ideas of life and purpose. Marriges are so bitter sweet for me these days. Roger's for example, found me happy to be there. I was and still am excited for my brother and his new wife. She is beautiful and will be an incredible wife for him. But, while I'm happy for him, I can't relate to him. Right now, I'm about as single as they come. This fact does not bother me too much, as the Lord has given me a distinctive, miraculous peace about it. But as each day goes by, I feel more and more ready to find that woman and spend the rest of my life with her. Bebo Norman wrote a song that I have been seriously digging for the last week. And in that song he says:
"Tonight I want a life
Where the faces are the same most every day
Tonight I want a wife
To sit with me and watch our children play
All the world between us
Watching the years fade away
And when the laughing's done...we'll watch the trees stand still "
The goal that Bebo and I share is to reach that point in life where everything stops changing. It's to come to a point where your friends and family are around you. It's to be in position where things don't have to change. But most importantly, it's to find my wife, have children, and sit back and watch them grow old together. I find myself thinking about her often. I keep trying to write a song about her, whoever she is. But it's hard to personify a woman that I love, yet do not know. And so life becomes a trial. And endless parade of sitting and waiting and hoping. Perhaps it won't be much longer, though I think that it will still be some time. Its an occaision that I greatly look forward to. Because she will complete me.
Besides that, I've finished recording all of my third full length album. Let me know if you want a copy. And with that, I have nothing left to say. God bless, and If you are my wife, hurry up and find me.
"The Night is starry and she is not with me"
Monday, November 14, 2005
Tonight I Can Write
by Pablo Neruda, translated by W.S. Merwin
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
I need a new camera.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
We took a test today. I didn't think that it was difficult. I'll see how difficult it was later, though. Last night, I played for the Navy flag football team for the first time in a year. It was awesome to be activce again. I'm crazy out of shape, but that should change over time, God willing. The sky was nuts out here today. When I woke up, it was raining for the first time since Feb. I love rain, but the rain out here is different. It seems confused. It rained for most of the day, but by 2 it had stopped. Then, it started again about fifteen minutes later. Then it stopped again. As I was leaving school, heading back to the same coffee shop, I saw to my right, towards the mountains, a perfectly blue sky. Then I looked to my left over the bay and saw the darkest most storm-filled sky I have ever seen. There was a definite line down the center of the sky, dividing night and day. It is a sweet and obvious metaphor that I'm probably expected to write out. But, I'll let you employ your own. Needless to say, I'm ready for the constant Midwest skies again. In due time, in due time. I'm playing a show in Santa Cruz on Dec 2nd. It will be my first show out west. I'm looking forward to it. Pray for me. Check out some of my music on myspace. And just like that, I'm out. I'm teaching at the Middle School tonight. So I have to study. God Bless.
Rain's First Assualt on Summer
Increase, Increase my tired feet
The clouds begin to cry
They glide atop themselves just like a star atop the sky
The slow and sweet soft summer breeze
It makes my spirit fly
I'll sleep the sleep of a thousand sheep
Before I die tonight
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Long and uneventful day today. Myself, along with Josh Soto and Chris Elsken went to go see "The Weather Man" at the local cinema. I'm a big Nick Cage fan, and the style that this movie adhered to interests me. I can't say too much for the movie, but I did come away with some perspective.The whole movie is basically Nick Cage's character trying to settle disputes with his ex-wife, strengthen relationships with his kids, please his estranged father, and further his own professional career. It all seems to work, but in the end he comes to a very specific conclusion. That conclusion is that despite all of his attempts, despite all of his advancements, despite how many people know his name, all he is is fast food. Fast food is easy, its inexpensive, people are entertained and filled by a short time, but it has no real value. It gets thrown away just as often as it gets finished. I believe that this conclusion can be drawn for anyone living without Christ. No matter how much you accomplish, one day everyone dies, and a hundred years later, no one remembers you. The work that we do on this earth is empty, its a chasing after the wind. Mankind knows this, that is evident in movies like the Weather Man. Hopefully the world will come to realize that without Christ there is no conclusion, there is no climax. But that Christ is the climax of life here on this earth. God Bless.
"Free food is the best food."
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
So recently I've been dealing with a lot of stuff. I understand that what I "deal with" is usually trite and mostly a result of my need to be occupied. But between a surgically repaired ankle, the most boring stretch of school I've ever expirenced, and being the only one of my friends that is single (which makes for some uneventful weekends), my mind has been pretty full as of late. So, needless to say, I was ready for some kind of awesome weekend. The Lord has always been faithful in blessing me with the right thing at the right time. He came through again. Friday, we had game night with the Middle School kids that I lead at church. It was a blast. I woke up Saturday Morning dreading the fact that I had nothing planned and probably wouldn't accomplish anything. I was debating going up to Santa Cruz for the day to walk and buy some music. Out of my own self-pity, I decided not to. But due to my boredom, I went downtown to the local music store and looked for Blazing Arrow by Blackalicious. They had it, but it was $18.95. Disgusted at the inflation, I got in my car and drove up to Santa Cruz. And that was the best decision I made all weekend.
Up in SC, there was a breakdancing group in the street. They were awesome. Pictures are on the flickr site (---->).
So I got to watch them for a while. I left The Cruz with 3 new CDs, a story of how I saw these guys breakdancing, and an idea in my head for my favorite song to date. But it doesn't stop there. Sunday morning I got to Church an hour early, thanks to daylight savings (score one to JFK). I remembered that the band the Dance Floor Prophets were going to be playing at the Next Genereation service that we have at night. I was stoked on that and got to meet them there. They are awesome guys and it was cool to get to know them. So then last night, to wrap it all up, I went to the un-Haloween party at church and got to see them play again. This weekend was awesome and could not have come at a better time. Praise the Lord, as always.