Sunday, January 31, 2010

...And I can't sleep

It's 1:30am on my weekend. I got back from a wonderful trip to Atlanta earlier. Lauren and I went to the Centennial Park ice rink (on the day before it closed until next year,) which was a lot of fun. Lauren, turns out, is a pretty good skater. The ice there hadn't ever been zamboni'd, it seemed, so neither of us were able to really let our skating skills take off. It was a great time, though. I really need to go to sleep, but I kind of really don't want to. I feel like there's a lot going on in my life that needs some thought. Not least of which is the fact that I just submitted my Application for enrollment at Georgia State University in the fall. I'm excited about it. But I'm facing a lot of anxiety over it as well. Talking to Lauren earlier tonight, I realized that I haven't made any type of big, future-slash-life-career decisions like this since I decided to join the Navy. Since then, everything's been happening on its own, almost. I was sent to Monterey, given Arabic, and sent to Augusta to finish my enlistment. The idea of planning and decision making kind of terrifies me, due to my lack of exposure. I have an idea of where I want my life to go, but what I "want" hasn't mattered in six years, so the very idea of control is kind of new. Many people that want to get out of the service re-enlist at the last minute, I've come to find out. I always marveled at that idea as I've known several of these people. They're all set to be out of the military, only to decide to stay in for another four years for no apparent reason. I think I see why, now. It really is overwhelming and foreboding and terrifying. This life of choices and decisions and responsibilities out there is scary. I sat staring at the "submit" button on my online application to GSU, going through all of the pros and cons. "What if I get rejected and miss my chance," "what if this isn't the right school for me," "what if I'm supposed to be somewhere other than Atlanta..." It was hard. I was, for the first time in a long time, faced with the possibility that I might make a career move that not only would be wrong, but might also land me in a place where I shouldn't be. I'm still not completely confident that I'm doing the right thing, but I feel like I am. Lauren was gracious enough to talk through it with me at 1 in the morning, which helped to calm my mind. And, I'm sure that god is in control of all of this; that He will be faithful to me in keeping me in the places he has for me. I am excited about the prospect of living in Atlanta, regardless. Being close to her will be wonderful, of course. Though my prayer is that she wouldn't be my only reason. A new city with coffee shops and shows and pick up soccer and international food is sooo appealing to me. And, like I said, God has a design for my life and that is what I want to facilitate. I guess we'll see.


photo by Lauren, btw

1 comment:

peach said...

glad you landed here.