Thursday, April 15, 2010

Sir Omar Aloysius Shakur Davis the First (Loooong version)

I've started to notice that everything in my life is in some way or another becoming a spiritual metaphor for something else. It's a bit annoying, because I am faced daily with truths that I have easily brushed aside for so many years/ Sir Omar is no exception.

As Stated before, Ryan found him on the street; starving, sick, scared out of his mind. Every one of his bones was visible he was a rail. His tail was bruised and significant bald spots were clear evidence that he had been in several fights in his short life. Any time the resident Bulldog, Aeneas, would come near him, Omar would snap, flash his teeth, bark and chase Aeneas away. Luckily, Aeneas was gracious, mistaking the obvious aggression as an invitation to play. Any sudden movement pushed Omar to retreat, to put his tail between his legs and send his head as low to the ground as was possible. He was aggressive, sickly, starving, and hopelessly frightened of any other living thing.

Until you held him.

In my arms, he changed. He would wag his tail incessantly, and lick every part of exposed skin he could find. He was happy; ecstatic, even. He felt the love that he deserves when he climbed into my arms and tried to lick my face. He saw that love is real wen he fell asleep in my lap, knowing that he wouldn't be awakened by someone trying to hurt him or take from him; knowing that he didn't have to fight anymore. He didn't want to run and play or even eat or drink nearly as much as he wanted to be held. The embrace and the love that came with it were the only thing he craved.

And then I realized; this dog is me. This crying, frightened little puppy, that has known nothing but pain and neglect in four(ish) short months; this dog that was literally starving from lack of food, but emotionally starving from never knowing love; this dog that was filthy, covered in dirt and parasites; this dog that has been beaten, attacked, and taken advantage of; this dog that has probably stolen and killed and started just as many fights as he's been forced into; this dog that has spent his entire short life hiding and running from everything in it; this dog is me.

I've spent most of my life the same way. So often, I depend on my ability to uphold myself, to present myself as worthy of God's loving arms. But I fall so short, and it has left me steadily hungry, starving even, for those arms that I don't think I deserve. And, out of that self-condemnation, I fear the people around me. I try to protect myself from the rejection that I believe is imminent. I don't allow myself to be loved. I emerge loveless, hopeless, broken in half and scared to death of everyone around me. This dog is me.

But he's beautiful. And that's the thing; this dog is so beautiful. He's got some of the prettiest markings that a dog can ave. And he's alive and strong and worth so much. He's a little angel, and I love him with all of my heart. He has nothing to fear now, he won't ever know a hurtful blow, he won't ever know hunger or neglect again. He's beautiful. But he can't believe it. He has no point of reference to accept the fact that he is a valuable, beautiful creation.

But he knows it when he is held. All he is after is an embrace.

He's home now.

And I so desperately want the same to be true for me. All of my running, my leaving home has gone on for so long. I want to feel that same embrace and voice of home that Omar feels. I want all of the beauty and value I'm told I have to really be there. I want God to sit down on the porch and let me climb into his lap, just so that he can hold me. I want to know that I am loved and have it uproot my lifestyle and my relationships, and to instill immeasurable hope in me. He was lost, but now is found. He is home. How desperately do want to be home also.

This dog is me.

This naming process was a difficult one , because of all of this. I wanted him to have a name that was empowering , that held promises that he could claim as his own; that this dog is strong and lovely and valuable. That this little scared puppy had so much beauty and strength in him; that he's more than just a bastard stray that won't survive the summer.

So, here's the breakdown:

Sir - He's a knight, royalty n our family of dogs. He has a domain and a role and toys to lord.

Omar - G-Fresh suggested this one, which I really liked. It sounds a manly, regal kind of name. Also, Omar the Great was the most powerful and influential of the early Muslim rulers. He had a huge role in the spread of the ancient Islamic Empire into all of Persia and most of the Eastern Roman Empire. He was a baller.

Aloysius (al-lo-WISH-us) - As picked up on by Dad, after Thomas Aloysius Giholley, Lee Marvin's character in Donovan's Reef. He personifies the epitome of a scrappy, independent man to me. He's rough and unpolished, very dog-like

Shakur - Tupac, of course. This dog is as much from the streets as anyone can be. He's a thug, and needs a thug name. Pac's one of my favorites.

And that, in the longest form possible, is the deal with this dog.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

Wait. So you're saying you're an abused neglected puppy emotionally abused from never knowing love?