Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Function of Creation, Part 1 of 1.

I've been run over by certain realizations as of late. There's future to think about, there's career and finance, there's Jesus and that whole mess, there's monasticism floating in and out of my "critical thinking vs. wonderment" bout, and there's the overbearingly haunting romantic self that I keep trying trying to ignore.

But one pressing thing that has been hot on my trail, hanging in the balance of perception and actualization, is my music. I know, as as much of a realist that I claim to be, that my talent would fall short of any level where I could make a living off of it. It's just the truth. I love to write, and turning the words that I construct into verse and melody is a natural thing for me. But, the question that I've been faced with for years is what I am to do with this blessing/curse. And, I refer to it as a "curse," because I can't stop doing it. It's as natural as putting sugar in my coffee or regular unleaded fuel in my car. I don't choose to make music, rather would I have to choose to stop. There's a bit of a chronological element, as I've grown over the years, my understanding of things has shifted.

But, I'm still perplexed as to the function of my music. I write 1 song a week, more or less, most of which end up neglected mp3's, lying dead in neglected iTunes playlists. I would like to think that I have something to give to the world, that I can make people's lives more full by sharing that which I can't help but to create. And, while I believe that to be the "right" motivation for sharing it, I don't trust myself to be motivated solely by that. I think that there's a lot more going on, in my eternal quest for validation and wholeness. But, to hide my music because of that fact (that I may be only searching for love and validation) seems like I'm being neutralized by my fear and distrust of myself. Which, I believe, is not the right way to handle it either. It's a question that I've faced for years. And, still I don't really know what to do with it. I wish that I could just shut off my mind and create, and have some forum to share it with people for the nourishment of their souls. Or, maybe just to create for only the sake of the creation. I've been given this ability, so I should just do it, and let the "function" worry about itself. I want to pursue this type of outlet. Though I don't really know if I am capable of so pure an action. And, at the same time, if I create just to create, then not give it away to anyone, aren't I withholding myself from the world, and isn't that pretty selfish? Clearly, I'm over thinking everything. I guess trial and error, and navigating the suffocating tension will eventually reveal the solution. And so the journey continues.

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