Thursday, July 07, 2011

Colorado Adventures, Release and Being

This time, I write from a new town. It's called Crested Butte and it looks like this. This week has been an oasis of rest in the midst of a summer that is seriously lacking adequate rest. It's the first week of the summer that didn't bring a trip to Ute Trail's Wilderness team, and we've been taking advantage. The stagnation is okay, considering there is only one week of it, and then it's back to hiking up mountains. After back-to-back trips, I've begun to really see something. It's been a whirlwind of ministry and community and homesick-ness and intermittent darkness. It's hard being confined again. My unwavering forfeit of control to an employer has brought down my spirit a little bit. I've found myself feeling some of the same feelings that plagued me during my time in the Navy. It's a different situation entirely, a different vision and a different outcome. But, the loss of control over my time and my effort has been a heavy element. I don't know, maybe it's Dad's fault for all his years of self-employment, setting an example of independence and self-sufficiency. Maybe I'm a rebellious spirit that needs to be tamed. Maybe I'm forgetting who I am and am worried about losing my arrogant and fabricated identity by submitting to someone else. It's been a tumultuous time of ups and downs. There's no denying the effect and growth that is happening because of my time here. Kids have met Jesus, relationships have crossed into new levels of depth, God has whispered truth after truth after truth into my obstinate ears. But, my spirit still is restless. My heart is still heavy and I don't know that I can really express why. I want to find the balance between community and "me-time," between work and play, between freedom and submission. The struggle of life is finding the balance between extremes, I've come to believe. And this Colorado adventure is one that demands balance. I don't know, there is truth to find. I just want to find it and walk in it. I want love to take over, and that great Trouble-maker to walk in front of me so that I might follow Him into a better truth than the one that I am trying to make work for myself. That's where the answer lies, in the edge of His cloak. And whether its strength or courage or vision that I need, I just want to reach out for it. I love and miss all of you, and I'm holding out for that better truth. So, please pray for me that I might find rest for my weary spirit; that I might choose Life over myself. He is there, He is holding me. He makes all things right. Now, I must choose to believe it.

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