Monday, April 28, 2014

Self-imposed Isolation as I Come to Grips With Telling the Truth

I think I want to come back to blogging. When I was younger, I would blog and blog and blog. I think that I was lonely. I think that I needed to say things, but I didn't trust anyone enough to sit in front of them and say those things out loud. I didn't have any real reason not to trust people, though. No, I was just scared of the possibility of rejection, I suppose. So, I wrote. It was cathartic, but it was only for my own benefit.

I find myself now growing more and more closed for some reason. I don't know what's happening. I got married almost a year ago. The thing that blew me away about this woman that I married was that I felt like I could tell her anything. I laid myself out in front of her; all of the gross and disappointing truths about myself. She soaked my failures in, one by one. She listened to the dark things that I've done: the people that I've killed, the wars that I've started, the hatred that I've poured out onto the people around me. She sat quietly, looking me in the eyes. When I finished, she would nod or smile or take my hand. And, that was that. She loved me, she loved me in spite of my constant, ugly failure. I've been prone to self-loathing, and I've known a handful of people that have reinforced that characteristic with their sweeping disapproval of me. But, in my future wife's unconditional acceptance of me, I found love that was real and forgiveness that was flawless. I have gone through a period of my life where I came to grips with the truth of who Jesus is, and how his very existence is an undeniable testimony to the love that God has for me. Priscilla was a gift in the wake of that transition from death to life. I had a person that loved me like God loved me. It was eye-opening and life-giving. Her openness to my failure and condition-free acceptance of me brought something to life within me. I opened my heart, I let down my walls, I gave her everything that there was to give. It was wonderful, to pour out my soul, to be entirely available. Life had a totally different feel to it.

Now, almost a year after our wedding, I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits. My wife's love and acceptance of me have not altered one bit. She is still the open-armed angel that married me. But, I don't know. I've been buying into a voice that says that she won't love me as much if she knows my sin and my ugliness. It's a lie. I know it's a lie. It's crazy how my natural process is going from life to death. I'm constantly pulling myself toward my own self-destruction. Here I have a woman in my life who wants to know me as I am. And what do I do? I give in to a lie that I have no one to trust; that all love is conditional.

So, here I am, back on blogspot. As I write out this account, I realize things for the first time. I want to write about these processes, to make known the silly battles that rage on in my mind. They aren't that powerful; those voices that defeat me so often. But, isolation is the greatest tool that the enemy has. So, I will write. And, truth will win. Stick around, shareholders. This might get interesting.

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